9.09.2007

I'm Hating It -- All of It


Day 5 and still not smoking. I dislike everyone and everything. I knew I needed to keep my hands busy, but I wasn't prepared to be so crabby.

No, not just crabby--I hate pretty much everyone and everything right now. This will pass, right? Right? Otherwise I'm going to turn into a homicidal maniac and be hiding badly butchered bodies in the fields.


I wasn't a smoker until I quit drinking and doing drugs eleven years ago. Because there has to be something external (I thought at the time) to make life a bit more bearable. People are annoying, life is hard, crummy things happen...so I put down one addiction and picked up another. I didn't have the illusion that this was going to be easy. I just didn't think I'd be so, well, angry and cranky and testy and, in general, finding the world and everyone in it so intolerable.

And what on earth am I going to do when I finish my sock? Waaah!


I didn't realize how deeply ingrained the habit of rewarding myself with a smoke had become. Just a little break from whatever I was doing, time to take a few minutes out from the rest of life, take the edge off, a wee prize for completing some task or other.

Not to mention a convenient escape from social situations (since you can't smoke indoors anywhere anymore), or from moments of stress, anxiety, tension--you name it. Yep, that little influx of dopamine really does the trick.


So for quite awhile cigarettes have been my best friends. Everyone I've ever spoken to who has quit says they're so glad they did it, but that it's one of the hardest things they've ever done. Well, no kidding. Because this sucks!



Bah, humbug.

20 comments:

Chris said...

Hmm, sounds like 'roid rage/annoyance, my constant companion... Hang in there! And when you finish your sock? You'll start another one.

Mom Unplugged said...

Anything I say will probably just piss you off even more at the moment, but I will attempt to say good luck! But, if you don't like that comment, then how about...nice choice of pictures for this post?

felisquatro@comcast.net said...

Oh, man, did I LOVE to smoke! I'd forgotten how much until I read your Ode to the Smoke. Sigh. There's nothing like it, and not much better in the way of a hit, but then there's breathing.... and it got to be a one-or-the-other choice for me, so the smokes had to go. And yes, I feel much better, and all that stuff - but I made myself a deal that, on my 90th birthday I'd go out and buy a carton of Marlboros and a lighter and have at it! Keep the faith, amiga. You can do this, and it's well worth doing.

RheLynn said...

Great pictures you've found for this post! We will keep wishing you good luck!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Day five...well done O'K...go on, swear at me...I don't mind.

Sure, you'll be shitty and pissed off but it'll pass, everything does. Just keep going...you doin' real good!

And keep blogging, get the SOL out of your system by abusing us...lol!

Mouse said...

My husband quit smoking last year for/on my birthday and was a horrible miserable bastard for about 2 weeks with residual effects for about a month total before he kicked that crap out of his system once and for all. He's been smoke free for nearly 1 year now..
You can do it girl! We're all cheering for you (quietly in the corner.. so you don't get pissed off by the noise and pummel us)

Beth said...

You can do it if your try! V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

I do that cheer for Chelsea sometimes. She hates it too but I couldn't pass it up.

Hope you're feeling better for Breeds Spinning on Saturday.

You can come sooner if you want=)

jessie said...

THink of all the money you'll save. Set aside each day's worth of cigarette money and save it up for yarn or something fun.

(Spoken like a true non-smoker. Sorry!)

Barbara-Kay said...

Kitten, you are so insightful! Yes, reward yourself with a break now and then. Sit down, put your feet up, take a deep drag, er, breath, and shrug your shoulders. There, doesn't that feel good?

And, the good news is that it never gets worse than the first few days. Once you get your system through the chemical withdrawal, it's all improvement from there.

What to do next? Why, the second sock, of course! VBG!

Hang in there - we're all cheering for you - from a very safe distance!

Joanie said...

You go girl...you can do it...and you know it...
My father smoked for a life time. I think he started around 13 and stopped around 60 when the Dr. told him he had a slight heart attack. He went home and threw out an open pack and one or two cartons of Lucky Strike non filter and never smoked again. He did chew gum all the time after that. Aunt Evie also smoked for a long time. The doctor said you can either smoke or walk. Well, you know what her choice was.

Don't get me wrong it is not easy but I know you can do it. YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN....and don't you ever forget it. I smoked on and off in my late teens and twenties but never like it...Thank Goodness. I guess something to do while at a club dancing. Besides your health which is most important everything is going to taste and smell so much better.
We are here for you and keeping you in our prayers.
Good luck...

sunneshine said...

Wow, keep going!! You are doing great! I am so proud of you! It will get better, it will get easier, you are strong enough to do this!

And from the previous post - what amazing work you are doing with your hands!! The spinning looks amazing - I especially love the black, it even looks soft in the photos. And mom's socks look like they fit her perfectly!

Sending good energy...

ros said...

aww... good luck hun. i know your pain (and that's why i have not yet quit myself). i remember what it's like to be super crab apple. give it time, it gets easier... as long as you're not around any smokers or cigarettes. :D

steven uhles said...

When I quit smoking I had this recurring dream that Neil Young would show up at my door with and ask me if I wanted to smoke with him. I've never been sure what that meant or what the point of this little tale is. I guess I'm warning you to be on the lookout for nocturnal rock dinosaurs and encouraging you to keep the faith.

mrspao said...

Go, Kitten - you can do it!

Thank you so much for your excellent suggestions for New York - we went to John's Pizzeria and to Virgils. Unfortunately, we didnt make it to the Vietnamese but that is on the list for next time.

Kristen said...

YOU'RE WINNING!

They say it's harder to quit smoking than to quit heroin. Right now, you're stronger. You're doing it. Go get a manicure or a pedicure to reward yourself or something.

Or see if Zyban / Wellbutrin is covered by your insurance. That can help a lot, too. I asked my doctor to put me on Zyban, and he said my insurance didn't cover it, but then he gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin. It's exactly the same thing, and he told me that many smokers suffer from depression while they're trying to quit, so he felt good about prescribing it.

You are smarter and better than a stupid plant from Kentucky. Stay strong.

Carrie K said...

Go, O'Kitten you can do it!

Hmm. I'm in a completely grumpy antisocial homicidal way right now myself, but I quit smoking eons ago. Delayed reaction?

Those are some very cool pix.

Gothknits said...

Hrm...I usually hate everyone and everything and I'm not quitting smoking, so who know. Good for you by the way. I'm proud of you. Love got me to quit by not kissing me (and sometimes not shagging me)that entire day if I had a smoke. That got me to stop pretty fast. I miss it sometimes too, but I'd rather be able to breathe. Besides think of all the yarn money you will have now!

Uncle Arthur O'Kitten said...

Three cheers for the O'Kittens. Hang in there and don't give up. It will be rough, but the results will be worth the agony. Remember that if you need to call someone to scream and/or ^%$&*()@)& at while you are going through the rough times, we are here. Most important is that you can call collect and we will accept the charges.

Obsidian Kitten said...

Thanks to ALL of y'all for your good wishes. I know they're helping!

You guys totally rule.

Big hugs all round to everyone (and I don't smell like an ashtray tonight, I promise, lol)

elizabeth said...

I love the pics! I'm not a smoker so I'm only offering encouragement not advice but check out another blogger Vicki (knitorious.typepad) she wet thru the same withdrawl months ago ( and joined some online group I think) and totalled all the $$ she saved.
The way I see it you are going to be very productive with all that knitting and spinning! Anything else you have been wanting to try? Now's the time to jump in:)